Standing Anonymous

I am what you see,

I am not what they say.

But if i turned out to be,

could you love me anyway?

I lay down on the cold ground

Snow coming down hard and fast,

a flurry 

with no future, no past.

We'd been out for hours

It was getting dark,

you took me to some local park.

You pulled my hand and held me close

mumbled sweet nothings

that took you minutes to compose.

I felt your heart beat

and shut my eyes.

Makes it easier to forget your lies.

But your the key

to my heart ache

we stood, in December snow, so cold

with you, I felt not one flake.

I couldn't speak out loud

The world was passing us by

there was no time

we stood, snow covered, intertwined. 

Your love was there, that I knew.

But all I wondered, was it true?

The snow blurred it all.

and melted in your hair.

Nothing but the noise of silence.

I whispered

"This is all just some passing faze"

Those words were lost

in the wind so strong

they whipped around us

our only witness, Jack Frost.

You smiled and 

put a hand to my heart

and said

"My love for you will never melt."

'Tis the season

Merry Christmas to all.

And to all a good night.

Cut out all the ropes and let me fall

That night you ignored me,

was my worst night,

ever.

You didn't even notice me crying.

Make this go on forever

My crayon was stolen

I searched and re-searched 

even checked my box.

Asked every kid

for my special one,

I would trade my blocks.

The one in the corner,

apart from the crowd

stuck to the shadows

said nothing out loud.

I felt his eyes on me

I marched up knowing what I had to do.

Then I saw

that sly smile, and those piercing eyes.

He knew what he'd done, weak was his disguise.

My crayon beside him,

a single red heart drawn on his page.

Suddenly, I didn't want my crayon back.

I still see those eyes and that smile

but only in my dreams,

his soft, luring voice

makes me wake up in screams.

Magic is a stupid word,

I thought it was what we had

I gave more than a crayon to him

and he was so smug and glad.

Everything happens for a reason,

or so I've been told.

Every ounce of my dignity shred

stupid,reckless

he laid me on his bed.

And the reason?

All because that stupid crayon

was red.

I taught myself how to grow old

Most of the time 

I got nothing to say

When I do it's nothing

and nobody's there 

to listen anyway.

I know I'm probably better off this way,

I just listen to the tv till I'm tired

my eyes grow heavy and I fade away

skip town, slow down

To you, I'm just a wet blanket

cold, useless

something you'd never want to touch.

Joe

Oh, how they love you so.

How much?

You'll never know.

Hopelessly devoted, to you

Mr. Predictable,

                  always doing what your told

a foot never out of place

      Safe; 

                controlled.

But, maybe that's why I fell for you

knowing you wouldn't hurt me

knowing you'd never break my heart

never force me to feel the pain. 

But life with you got boring

and stale.

I'd never admit it, but you, are everything I hate.

Oh, but Mr. Cool

ride into town unannounced and unwelcome

walked straight up to me

and saw through all my shields.

We took off on your motorcycle leaving Mr. Predictable in the dust.

You took me to a new world that night

I place I'd never seen.

I'd lived here,

dreamt here,

but baby I was only sixteen.

Life was a constant blur

between the worlds

no lights

no sounds

no right and wrong

just you and me.

Sometimes you would scare me

with that rage in your eyes,

but you convinced me with those sweet lullabies.

                       

            Ten years later and we're still here

  you'd slap me around

                     and ask for a beer

 the bruises would ache

 the cuts would sting

 I almost left you

then you gave me that ring.

You got down on one knee

you said you were sorry for everything you've ever done

you told me everything I wanted to hear.

It was just how you were raised,

you'd fix it

 how sorry you truly were.

And that

you loved me.

and i believed you. 

I saw the sweetness I'd once seen.

how many times i hit the wall

i lost count

you let me go, I spun to quick I just screamed out to the cold.

how many times had i hit the floor

the smell of cigarettes and alcohol 

oh i knew it, all too well

i looked beside me, drops of blood

shit, I'd been here before.

The only thing I remember

was the warmness I felt,

just like when I was a kid.

I told the police what happened that night

I told them he had at least put a blanket on me

the police chief's hand came down with a thud

he just looked at me with sad, sorry eyes and said:

"Ma'am he left you lying in your own blood."

How can you say those things, and keep a straight face

I forgive you,

but I am unable to forgive myself.

So you're gone, and I'm haunted

Things come to me piece by piece,

                                                        word for word,

                                                     phrase by phrase.

     

  Endings,

                              middles,

                                                       new beginnings

come to me too.

He didn't come piece by piece,

he came as a whole

a sensory overload. 

You tied my hands

you twisted my tongue

you told me your lies

and showed me what I'd become;

a monster.

Nothing was familiar;

not a word                               

not a sound            

not a piece.

You left, you screamed

you walked right out that door.

You left me with this body, a nothing, a whore.

You got what you wanted 

and I got nothing more.

And now, when I think of you

I can can only think of one thing

are you happy with what you've done?

                                         

Felt just like home; except no grass, no yard, no pictures

Where's my pillow, where's my quilt

to save me from all this guilt.

         Bedtime stories are shut and forgotten;

 plucked away from our memories

Kisses goodnight are kisses long gone, 

and in the dead silence I can still hear your singing,

but,

         we're on our own tonight.

The only thing worse than growing up, is never quite learning how

Tinker toys, barbies

and cute little clocks.

Ovens, and Hot Wheels

and my little pet rock.

Dinosaurs, Ty's

and stars that glowed in the night

I just want to go back to when everything was right.

I locked my back to yours, it wasn't hard to find you painted flowers on it

If I was only allowed to remember one thing from my life,

it would be our friendship.

And honey you know me it's all or none

All I can hear is what you said to me.

There's a lack of color here

Sleepy mornings,

            rainy nights,

                     run through my mind

they remind me of you.

                   Our time was forever.

 Busy streets and lonely apartments

          the coffee's never strong enough

mornings and nights blend together

we stood out in the rain

and held each other tight

    because 

our time was forever.

And I'm barely listening to last demands

Fall out 

 your window

stroll down 

the street

stumble through

 the front door

and sing us all to sleep.

A stranger with your door key

Compartments,

everything neatly organized,

everything in it's place.

Until you came along

I can't put you in one place

I can't label you like everyone else.

And your here to stay,

so i better go buy a new cabinet.

So here I go

Blank pages

mock me,

feelings

push me

Time limits

frighten me,

but your words

stop me.

I have been here many times before

It's funny how you will keep going back to something, even if it hurts.

Every time it stings, and every time you think it will get better. That this is the last time, next time it'll be different, it won't hurt. Because you did something wrong and that's why it's happening. You'll fix it. But the truth is, it was never your fault. You never were the problem, it wasn't because of you. Thinking that it was suppose to hurt like this was the only mistake you ever made because it shouldn't, no matter what. 

Got a secret, can you keep it? Swear this one you'll save

"Maa: Jealousy, 

                       the lust for entertainment"

 - ancient buddha definition

I know something is broken, and I'm trying to fix it

There was always a difference between us

we blamed everyone, but ourselves.

All the fights

All the differences

everything lost in translation.

It's time we look at what we're made of.

She will be loved

Girl, you were so small

                         a little obsessive, smiling, had no fear.

                                   But sometimes, you would fall.

                But you grew up.

You learned lessons about life and love,

you changed your clothes,

you changed your friends,

you went through some hard times,

                                 and sometimes you would fall.

But you'd stick to your word.

Cause thats all we knew.

Life will always be complicated

but you'll make it through

you'll find those few you trust

and see them through.

And sometimes you will fall

but I'll be right there to help you up.

Love will never be easy

but, It's never suppose to be.

So hold on tight

don't look below                 

keep your eyes wide open

and Never let go.         

Can I hold you one last time

Side poem, 

 you are my friend

You give me an excuse 

                 not to give it an end.          

You cant always hear a cry out for help.

The lonely,

 are such delicate things.

The wind from a wasp could blow them,

Into the sea,

With stones on their feet

lost to the light and the loving we need.

Still  to come,

the worst part and you know it.

There is a numbness

In your heart

               

    and it's growing.

Is this fooling anyone else?

I wonder why i cannot tell you

about this little thing.

We're so open and love each other

but this...

it's just to big for me.

I'm afraid for you to hear the truth.

I don't write to get revenge.

I don't write because I'm angry all the time.

I write to express myself

I write to let it go

I write to put words to my crazy thoughts.

Still, I write poems in the dark

or when your gone, away

I'm scared that when you read them

you'll some how think of me different.

Not your perfect little daughter

but a human, with flaws.

So maybe tomorrow I'll ask you if you want to read

and risk it all.

Or maybe, I'll wait a week

a month or two.

When your ready.

This poem was written 3 weeks ago.

On rocks I dreamt of where we'd stepped

Joke, smoke, choke, croak.

Sky, high, fly, die.

Trust, bust, rust

bite the dust.

A,B,C,D,E,F and G

12:52 am I'm suppose to be asleep

instead I write

by the light of my trusty Ipod.

scribble, scribble, scribble

tomorrow is back to school

so bring back all those rules 

the homework, and the subs.

Another year has come and gone

but it's getting late,

So i hope i get some sleep

and remember my last day of  freedom

cause the next 10 months

wont be a treat.

Words all Burn the same

Newspapers,

                  word after word,

                                          line after line,

                                                      a piece of the world

                                                              frozen in time.

bring us together, rip us apart

altering what you see for a day

or for a life.

And all they are 

are little letters

written in ink.

One word can make all the difference.