The lovers are losing,
it's all that we see
the rush of the firecrackers,
following the sun down the narrow street.
daylight is waiting
the stillness is fading
the moment of time
when you're lost and you're blind
the moments of music lost in the air.
I'm breathing but it's shallow
I'm here but I'm hollow
I jump and I swallow
off the dock and under the silent sea
for that moment it could only be
the best description I have
of being free.
daylight is waiting.
3 comments:
Hello, I stumbled upon your blog and I like your poetry so I decided to follow it.
I like this piece, mostly because of the theme and the expressiveness. Also, I have a suggestion. You might try leaving out more of the conjunctions, pronouns, and "is" more often. Not all of them of course because they are necessary at times, but often they are just fat.
"breathing but shallow,
here but I'm hollow
I swallow and jump,"
I know you are gonna say this screws the end rhyme up but it sounds more fluid with the active verb near the preposition right after.
Just a thought, this edit also makes these three lines five syllables each.
Cool poem, thanks for sharing :)
-Thomas
Dear T.J. Seale,
I appriciate you following my blog, but you are slightly irratating. I mean that in the best way possible, really I do, but this blog is simply my creative outlet. I know I'm not the most adequate poet and clearly you are quite superior. This is merely for me and my friends,
I thank you for the compliment and please stay tuned for more, IS that okay?
Good day.
Georgia, I'm sorry if I offended you, I am not trying to prove my skill or knowledge of poetry. I get irritated when the only comments I receive from my followers are overly simple and only positive, I was just giving the kind of constructive criticism I appreciate.
Please don't be offended, the poem is great as is. I commented because I liked it after all.
-Thomas
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